


My First Week in Q Branch

by Linorien



Series: 007 Fest 2018 [2]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: minion POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-05-31 18:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15125273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linorien/pseuds/Linorien
Summary: Clarence told me to keep a blog during my first week in Q branch. Not for sharing, no way. This was the Secret Service I was going to work for. But for myself, to look back and laugh at in a few months.





	1. Sunday

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt table 007 - Recruitment

[ ](https://imgur.com/XJdGBrg)

Clarence told me to keep a blog during my first week in Q branch. Not for sharing, no way. This was the Secret Service I was going to work for. But for myself, to look back and laugh at in a few months. 

I guess I should write down my expectations then.

I was interviewed by an older woman who called herself R. I don’t know if everyone gets a letter, but I think that would be cool. I’d probably be ‘D’ for D Laney. Or maybe I can swing for a cool letter like X. Let them try to guess what name that is short for. 

When I recruited, I was told that my first week would be a rotation through each section of Q branch. So I suppose it will be a busy week and I’ll learn a lot. R said she thought she knew where I would fit best, but they didn’t make choices for you so it would be up to me.

I’m hoping there’s no physical exercise I have to do. I forgot to ask in the interview. I don’t want to be a field agent, my body was not designed for such physical nonsense. I mean come on, running? Just think of the impact it has on your knees. Your bones basically crunch together like you are jumping up and down in one place because when you go for a run you always end up where you started but now you are sweaty, hot, and hungry and what’s the point of all that? If I wanted that as an end result I could stand outside and grill some burgers after skipping breakfast.

Although I wouldn’t say no to a yoga ball for a desk chair. It’s bouncy. 

But for real, I hope I meet some other cool nerds and maybe join a D&D group by the end of the week. I haven’t played in ages. 


	2. Monday - Transportation Division

Holy Cheese-balls this place is great. Weird as shit, but great. 

I spent today in transportation. All the cars, boats, motorcycles, hang gliders, really there are some wild things here. Steam is the head of the transport division (what a perfect nickname) and showed me around today. He didn’t say it outright, but you can tell he loves adding in the weaponry to ordinary vehicles. The joy on his face when he showed that the headlights flipped up and had high powered lasers that could cut through a steel plate was undeniable. 

The best thing about this division was everyone’s personalised, noise-cancelling headsets. A short alarm would sound when someone was going to test something loud and everyone would grab their headset and throw it on and then the mics would turn on and you could hear everyone’s conversation but the ones closest to you were still the loudest. 

I was given an extra pair that were decorated to look like giant donkey ears. 

After a tour I got paired with Michelle who worked on boats and she told me all about the best boat names she had seen and we brainstormed a few ourselves. She also told me some general rules for Q Branch. I’ll write them here as she told them to me. 

  1. Q is the overlord. Remember that his orders are never to be questioned and even the weirdest requests have a purpose. 
  2. If an agent talks to you, don’t be intimidated. Don’t them them touch your projects. And do try to resist sleeping with them. 
  3. Be respectful. Not everyone will understand what you work on and not everyone will be from the same background as you but as long as you aren’t a prat then you should get along well. Friendly teasing is encouraged, but maybe hold off until you get settled in.
  4. Take ownership of your own mistakes. No matter how much training courses you will have to sit through, mistakes happen and we _will_ make fun of you for it, but the faster you own up the faster we can come together to fix it.



I haven’t met Q yet, but overlord seems a lot like a stock video game villain. The nameless kind that you never meet until the final boss battle. Given the rate at which their minions die, I’m not sure I understand why they seem so proud of being his minions. 

I did ask about a D&D game and she said to ask around in Systems or in Agent Support. That will have to wait as I’m being assigned to Weapons tomorrow. 


	3. Tuesday - Q/Weapons Division

Now Weapons was much more like what I expected. There’s a whole shooting range off limits to everyone except Q Branch personnel. And let me tell you, the shooting ranges I saw on the standard tour of MI6 are nothing compared to this. 

It’s like one of those glow-in-the-dark mini golf places where everything is lit by black lights and it looks like alien fauna. Techno music pumps through the speaker system as you shoot and the targets are all monsters from scifi. Let me tell you, gunning down a cyberman stomping towards you feels amazing, even if you know it’s only a hologram. And nothing goes to waste here either. 

Andy told me the bullets are designed to dissolve in water. Water and the human body. Makes it harder to trace. So they’ve got this system where the bullets used for testing fall into the water that runs through specialised pipes right back down into a storage container where the water is boiled off and the metal is ready to be used again. 

I wanted to stay there all day, but they had the next round of a tournament coming up and some of the weapons were above my security clearance. 

In the development lab Andy showed my the wall of blueprints. It was a giant smart board that rotated through different blueprints of weapons in development. He explained that Q encouraged teamwork and this was how they did that. Anyone could see these ideas and suggest modifications. Any engineer can put up a blueprint at any stage in development. Andy said it encourages the engineers to remember that they don’t have to have all the answers and it’s good to ask for help. 

I think that would take some getting used to. What if someone screwed something up in the design? Hell I’ve seen my own handwriting, you expect the annotations to be legible? I can hardly sign my name on the touchpad at the bank and now you want me to stand on a chair to add a note about the design of a flamethrower nozzle? Because hell yes that should look like a dragon’s mouth, but you need to add teeth. 

Before I left, Andy also gave me a few pieces of advice.

  1. Gwen runs the betting pool. Don’t piss her off and don’t forget to pay up when you’re wrong. She knows everyone’s handwriting after their third week and she’s got flawless forgery. She can sign an awful lot of your life away.
  2. Always wear safety glasses on the range. You think it’s fine, but everything on the range is still in development stage. There are some things laser surgery can’t fix and we only need one pirate in the branch.
  3. Don’t rely on a normal sleep schedule. Unicorns are more real.
  4. Make friends with medical. You’ll be in there more than you’d expect. 




	4. Wednesday - Systems Division

I asked about D&D. They said there’s a couple different groups going and Eric was the best person to talk to about that. I would be in his division tomorrow. 

I could see myself working in Systems. This is the land of the computer geeks. Lilabet was my tour guide here for the day. Well, the part of the day that didn’t include standard training classes but that was boring so we won’t include that. 

Everyone here has their own rubber duck. Some are plain, probably the people who don’t use that method of debugging, but on guy has a Shakespeare one and it is sitting proudly on top of a skull lit by a red LED candle. So, you know, that’s a thing. 

Besides that, it’s a bit more chill in this division. For the most part things aren’t urgent. They monitor the security systems, patch any holes and routinely fight off the low level hackers who try to break in. I asked Lilabet what happens if someone does break into the system? She said they become Q. That seems a bit unreasonable. R wasn’t exactly a young woman and her superior was probably a bit older. He might be good with computers but one man against the twenty people in this department? I think not. 

It was a bit of a slow day in this division so a few of them took me out for lunch. Some Thai place nearby where they can order ahead and sit on the roof. Not the basement dwelling vampires I expected. Not one of them wore black. But it was at lunch where I got the four tips this time. I’m starting to this this is a standard thing. 

  1. Remember to lock your station when you leave, anything can happen from your desktop background being changed to the system being entirely in pig latin, terminal included. That being said, physical locks on stuff don’t work, especially if we know you’re hoarding sweets.
  2. R is susceptible to bribes. She can’t be swayed on everything, but spa days are a gift to be treasured and takeout from Al-Amin can work wonders when you make a mistake.
  3. Enter as many Q Branch contests as you can. Scavenger hunts, logo redesigns, karaoke nights. Sometimes the prizes are lame, like you get a new toaster that tells you yesterday’s weather in Hong Kong and burns a random number into your toast, or sometimes you win a trip to E3. 
  4. Q branch has the best break room in the building. 



That last one isn’t hard to believe. They showed me and I don’t know how anyone leaves. Hammocks hang from the ceiling, bean bag chairs, and couches. Above each is a personalised speaker so you can play your own music without headphones and without anyone else hearing. A separate, smaller room had bunk beds for late night shifts when you’re too tired to move any more.

Best bit is the chocolate cabinet. It’s kept behind a biometric lock. It’s the one sacred thing in this whole branch. Everyone knows not to hack the lock for fear risking not only Q’s ire, but the justified rage of the entire department. 


	5. Thursday - Research and Development Division

Finally. Joined a D&D group. Found Eric straight away and we sat down at lunch to talk characters and game play. He said he knew exactly which group I would fit in with best, and he would let them know. I can’t wait. But right, the actual work stuff. 

If I thought everything was crazy before it was nothing compared to this division. Things blowing up left right and center. Two different people exploded their beakers today and things just carried on like it happens everyday. Which I guess it might around here. 

And this division is chatty. Constantly teasing and throwing paper airplanes at each other. When you walk anywhere you have to watch out for people shooting across the floor in their rolling office chairs with motors. 

And if you think that’s outrageous, I saw robotic lizards scampering up the walls with rolled up messages on their backs. Kathryn and Eric were a tag team today, showing me around. I’m not sure what Kathryn does, she’s at least thirty years older than anyone else here, but Eric designs bombs. He keeps them in his pocket too. His number one rule is always be prepared. 

  1. Always be prepared. The world is dangerous and you’ve got to help yourself.
  2. Use what no one expects. A pen that explodes? So 1930s. Try a photograph of a loved one. And who needs a knife when you can have a scarf that folds up and becomes sharp as glass. 
  3. If an experiment blows up in your face, email Gareth Jones in HR. He’ll give you time off, no questions asked. Won’t make you fill out the paperwork either. Damned useful man to have around. Makes a mean cuppa too. 
  4. If Q wanders in and he’s not shouting orders, it’s best to ignore him. He likes to come down here to relax. 



I promise, I heard him right. He said relax. I can’t figure out any part of this division that seems relaxing. I can practically taste the caffeine in the air. How is Agent Support more hectic than this?

I guess I’ll find out tomorrow. 


	6. Friday - Agent Support Division

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt table 007 - shock

I think I’ll start with the tips. Get those down because those make sense. 

  1. Don’t ever touch Q’s tea. It’s what keeps him running and if you ruin it, every bit of technology will turn against you.
  2. Ignore the double-ohs that lurk in the bullpen. Unless they are stealing equipment. Then call them on it. 
  3. Learn sign language or morse.Things can get loud and visual communication is useful. 
  4. Watch your step. Everything is deadly.



Even, apparently, the tiles in Q branch. No trap doors with spike pits or anything, this isn’t Indiana Jones, but if you anger Q then he can shock you. Big old electric shock right from the floor. To be quite fair, the man deserved it. 

I was sitting with Dana and she was showing me the standard workspace for handlers. There was a program designed to keep all of the relevant information from a mission in one place and allow for easy assignment to other people in the branch. On any given day you were usually the point of contact, the back up, or working on your own projects and keeping an ear out in case Q needed something. There were only a few people approved to handle 00s so Q usually ran those and delegated everything he could. Although she promised there were quieter days, Q was running a mission for 004 and kept running into obstacles. 

Side note here: Q looks younger than I am. I take back what I said about one man not being able to fight off twenty coders. If he became the head at this age, he must be special. I wasn’t paying much attention to what he was saying, but he sounded calm, and later he was laughing with R. 

Of course then I saw his other side. Some agent stole a pen with a magnesium flare and the explosion of light tripped some sensor that set off a bomb alert. Q reminded me of my dad, he didn’t shout, his voice just dropped a little lower and everyone listened. He shocked the agent and he fell to the floor. Dana picked up the stolen pen and handed it to Eric to return to R&D. 

When I looked up again, Q was gone. Probably good because the room was chaotic. The systems had put the branch on lockdown and calls were coming in from higher ups and agents in the field asking what was going on. I just sat there and watched as everyone focused and worked together to reassure everyone that things were fine (and checked that things really were fine) and worked on resetting the systems. 

I saw one older looking agent pressed against the glass doors of Q branch looking worried. When he finally got someone’s attention, a quick flurry of sign language reassured him. He pulled out his phone and waved it briefly in thanks before wandering off. 

Things kinda calmed down after that. I had a meeting with R briefly on my way out and she asked me to think over my experience this week and be ready to sit down with her on Monday and discuss placements. I didn’t want to seem hasty, but I think Systems is the best fit for me. I might not get a cool nickname there, but D Laney will suit me fine. I can’t deal with all the hullabaloo of the other departments on a daily basis. Maybe in five years I’d consider handling, but no one is ever going to talk me into handling anything higher than a level 5 mission. No chance in hell.

 


End file.
